


Matter

by weezr



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Help, Other, SPN - Freeform, Self Harm, Supernatural - Freeform, angsty, friend, platonic, spn x reader - Freeform, supernatural x reader - Freeform, supernatural/reader - Freeform, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 18:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19751563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weezr/pseuds/weezr
Summary: The reader thought they could get away with something drastic.. Sam walks in on them, and he and his brother help.





	Matter

It's late. You didn't know how late it was, but you had that feeling that your body gets when it's late and you're not asleep when you should be. As much as you'd love to, you can't sleep. You've been up all night, lying in bed facing the dark, thinking about everything you could have done better. About how you could have fixed things. How your life could be so much different if you had done one different thing.

  
But, you didn't. So, you're here. In a bunker. With men who took you under their wings like a sibling. You were thankful for that, but that doesn't mean your past didn't eat you from the inside out. They thought they knew you- but they really only knew half of you.

  
They know the smiling, sarcastic y/n. Not the depressed, anxious y/n, who says that they take 45 minute showers, when in reality, the shower is maybe 15 minutes long, and the rest of it is dedicated to sitting on the floor carving into skin. But they didn't need to know that.

  
You keep it well hidden. You don't hurt yourself where they'd be able to see it. You don't hint at it whatsoever. You just live and let live. God knows what they'd do if they found out.

  
You groaned, knowing that sleep was not going to find you anytime soon. You fumbled around on your side, arm stretched out to find the bedside table. Finding the lamp and turning it on, the bright light shocked you for a small second. You had to get up.

  
After an hour or two of endlessly searching through the internet, and finding a couple cases for the boys, you looked at the time: five in the morning. You thought for a moment, thinking of what to do.

  
Finally, you decided on running a bath and maybe getting in a few cuts for the sake of routine. Tonight hadn't been that bad, but you found that it makes you feel weird when you go a day without harming yourself in some way. Routine mattered.

  
After you filled the tub, you slowly undressed, ignoring the scars. You climbed in, and soaked for a good fifteen minutes. Feeling the hot water almost scorch your skin. You sighed. Now that your skin had softened, you climbed out and let the water drain. You dried off, the towel comforting you.

Your pulse still picked up when you grabbed the blade. The feeling of forgetting what it felt like- that's what gets you going.  
Oh, but you need this. You feel like this is what you need. That this will help everything. Fix your regrets, fix your obsessions.

  
You pulled a shirt over you, and sat down on the floor. Riding the shirt up to expose your thighs, you smiled. You'll have to find a new spot soon, but you can worry about that when you have to.

  
You sliced the blade down your thigh, sucking air in between your teeth as it glided through skin like paper. Blood bubbled up, and you admired it. It wasn't too deep. It'd heal in a day or two. Might not even leave a big scar. Your best one yet.

  
You got set to do another one when the door opened, and Sam's head popped out of it. You looked at each other, and you felt his eyes follow your movement as you tried to hide your thigh and blade with your shirt.

  
"Can you knock next time?" You roughly asked.

  
"Yeah, will do. Sorry," Sam replied, closing the door.

  
You fucked up. He saw. But maybe he won't say anything. You didn't even know why he was up so early- probably some health fanatic thing. You cleaned up, and put some pants on. You put the blade up, flushed the bloody toilet paper, bandaged the wound, and sat still. Maybe if you acted like nothing happened he-

  
A knock came from behind the door. Sam's voice followed, "I need to talk to you when you're done. Okay?"

  
You nodded to yourself, and silently cursed. You opened the door. Both Sam and a groggy looking Dean were standing in front of you. They led you to the kitchen, where Dean promptly made himself a drink, and Sam made a glass of water for both of you.

  
"Why?" Sam asked, his eyes searched yours.

  
Dean spoke up, his back facing Sam and you, as he was still focused on his drink on the other counter, "If it's hunting that's getting to you, you're done. Hunting has gone 'n fucked up everyone else, 'n we can't go on 'n lose you, yeah?"

  
"He's right," Sam added.

  
You looked at the glass of water, "No. It's just some stuff, guys. It's not even that bad. Not like I need stitches or anything."

  
Dean turned around, baffled at what you said, "I don't think you understand, y/n. You're hurting yourself. No matter how bad it is, you still believe you deserve to be hurt and are willing to do it yourself, and that's not good. You don't go around doing that. You hear me?"

  
You nodded slightly, blinking back familiar tears.

  
Sam rubbed your arm, "Look. We're here for you. You don't deserve to be hurt. We're gonna get rid of whatever you're using to do it, and we're gonna get you help."

  
Dean walked over, drink in hand, "We'll get you a shrink. You're gonna be fine, kid. Talk to one of us if you need to. Hell, there's even Cas. There's always someone. You matter, y/n."

**Author's Note:**

> bro i spent. an hour writing this . its 4 am. im so tired. help


End file.
